As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I have amassed many skills which aren’t things you traditionally learn in a class room. Skills which have helped me succeed in my life that I would love to pass on to others. Teaching, guiding, and supporting others has always been my life’s passion, and with my career I’ve been able to loosely pursue this dream, but never to the extent that I wanted. Attaching a pay check to every interaction is a faulty foundation to work from, and I believe the best advice often comes from a combination of proactive seeking and free, thoughtful distillation. I hope I can use this blog as an outlet for that passion and provide some of my own distillation here.
Growing up, one can reasonably expect the older generations to pass on useful knowledge to help the younger generations as they integrate into society. This knowledge is broad, ranging from practical skills, professional techniques, and even some forms of soft skills. Empathy, unfortunately, is not simply a generational issue nor one I think can really be taught in the traditional sense. I’d like to explore this unique trait a bit and talk about why it is important and perhaps help others re-examine their own use of it.
Let’s start with the basics, like what is empathy? The dictionary defines it as such:
…the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another
To help you understand what empathy looks like in a real world situation, let’s use a fairly common example and one I am all too familiar with.
Consider a group of friends who are meeting up to play their favorite game, and someone shows up late. Simple, right? Let’s complicate it a bit by adding that this event is one that was scheduled in advance and occurs every other week, such as a group playing a table top fantasy role playing game. These game sessions typically last four hours, and the participants all look forward to it, hoping to enjoy as much time together to progress the story.
Anyone who has worked anywhere has likely had to deal with someone who was late to a meeting or some other thing. It is widely expected that the person who is late apologize and have some excuse prepared which explains their tardiness. Consider the group of friends meeting up for their game in the paragraph above responding to the situation when the late friend arrives. One person might say, “What took you so long? We said we were meeting at this time! Now we won’t be able to play as much!”
The tardy person might respond back, “Sorry, my cat was not feeling well and I tried to drive as fast as I could.” A purely hypothetical scenario, but one I am sure many might have experienced variants of. That short exchange exemplifies both a significant lack of empathy and how a lack of empathy affects people both directly and indirectly. Let’s dive a bit deeper.
To start with, let’s look at the initial sentence of “What took you so long?”. This statement is both an accusation and attempt to downplay whatever response the person gives back. How so? It implies that the person who was late was doing some other thing, the “what” part of “What took you so long”. In addition, that exact wording attempts to imply that whatever the planned event is should have a higher priority to the person who was tardy. This is a subtle thing, not explicitly stated in the sentence directly, but derived from that particular choice of words and often times tone of delivery. Let’s look at the following two sentences that the accuser used.
“We said we were meeting at this time!”
This is a clever way of reinforcing that the person who is late is simply absent minded, perhaps forgetting the event was happening. It also employs tribalism with the use of “We”, implying the accuser perhaps speaks for the group and that their frustration is a shared one, ostracizing the tardy member.
“Now we won’t be able to play as much!“
This is a particularly malicious use of language that does a few things. First, it once again invokes tribalism, and also once again reinforces the idea that whatever led to the person being late is of a lesser importance than the event at hand. It also cleverly disguises the accusers unique frustration (that they won’t get to play as much) as a weapon upon which the tardy member must reflect on, effectively attempting to gaslight them.
Pretty bad for three sentences, right? But it gets worse. Let’s look at what the tardy person said in response. Firstly, they are immediately on guard and pressured to issue an apology. Most people aren’t going to walk into that situation and not believe the accuser speaks for the group unless someone specifically speaks up in their defense. If you know people, you know this is a fairly uncommon trait. After issuing the apology, the late person feels obligated to provide a justification for their tardiness. This is ultimately an attempt to garner sympathy to get back to a level ground with the other members, as this person already feels somewhat socially cornered.
Often times in a situation like this, the one being accused also downplays the importance of whatever event caused them to be late. This is another subtlety that happens when someone has their guard up in a social situation. Downplaying the event implies the tardy person maybe does rank its importance lower than the event at hand, and also discourages people from wanting to ask a follow up question to check on the tardy persons wellness.
Speaking of wellness, let’s not skip over the last thing the tardy person said.
“I tried to drive as fast as I could”
How many people do you think over the years had the same train of thought before getting into a car accident? When people are trained on the idea that being late is bad, that they might have to justify themselves to someone with no empathy, they tend to act more rashly. This isn’t always the case, of course, but you can easily see how someone who faces a lack of empathy regularly might gaslight themselves into this belief.
In summary, that short exchange between two people accomplished several things. The accuser sharpens their own selfish frustrations into a spear in which they stab at the accused, someone who is already likely under duress and now quickly ostracized from a group they might normally consider a safe space. At best, this exchange damages relationships within the group and serves no purpose beyond inflating the ego of the accuser or tarnishing the reputation of the accused.
So how would one employ empathy in this situation, and what might that empathy help uncover? Let’s start with a practical example of how you can lead with empathy in such a situation. Consider the late person walks in and apologizes for their tardiness. Instead of accusing them, you instead say something like this:
“Hey, we’re just glad you were still able to make it! Is everything alright?”
So what all did we do here? Let’s break it down! Firstly, we disarm the situation by making it clear that the late member’s safety and attendance is the most important thing for the group. Secondly, asking the follow up question shows that the group cares about what happened to the late person and provides them an opportunity to discuss their problems in a safe space.
A small change overall, but with a dramatically different effect on the person who was late. So how is this an example of empathy? Well, let’s dive even more deeply into the situation. In this exchange, we only know a tiny fraction of the full picture for both parties. For example, did you know that int he previous example, the accuser was the second most tardy member to arrive? They never mentioned that, nor did they need to, because at least they weren’t LAST.
You probably also didn’t know that the group was ordering food and enjoying a discussion about their planned activities for the night before the late person arrived. Their ability to have a good time was never in jeopardy because the last member was late, despite the accuser making it seem so. The frustration they attempted to wield was entirely fabricated from their own selfish desire.
We also need to consider the full picture for the person who was late. They said their cat was feeling sick, right? Did you know that by sick the late person meant to say their cat had cancer? Recently, the cat was given weeks to live and multiple failed treatments at the vet has cost the late person thousands of dollars in bills. The stress has led the late person to lose sleep.
As if that all wasn’t bad enough, the late person is also seeing a doctor themselves! A terrible injury has them undergoing physical therapy, causing them to struggle with work and other tasks in their life.
Despite all of these things, though, the late person makes an effort to leave the house and attend the scheduled game night for the greater benefit of the group. In a time of great stress and pain, they think spending time with friends might help them escape it all for just a short time. Imagine how crushed this person would be if they walked in and the first thing they heard were the words of the accuser.
To lead with empathy is to proactively consider what events might have led someone to a certain path they wound up on. To lead with empathy is to consider how you yourself might have managed those events. To lead with empathy is to ponder how far you would have been set back if you weren’t strong enough to handle some of those events.
Small details about a person sometimes hide entire stories you are not privy to. Ranking your own problems against another persons is often a fruitless exercise with no winner. Ostracizing someone or gaslighting them into remorse is a recipe for disaster. A lack of empathy can ruin friendships or push some people over the edge in terms of their stress levels.
One of the most incredible aspects of empathy is that it costs little to nothing to employ and yet still so many fail to do so. Why is that, you might ask? Well, simply put, it is because empathy is ultimately derived from our lived experiences. To put it another way, to understand someone else’s suffering, it often helps to have suffered in a similar manner. It makes it easier to imagine yourself in their shoes. This is not a strict requirement, though. Anyone who has suffered and come out through the other side often has the capacity for empathy, even if the lived experiences were different. It is often said that those with the greatest capability for empathy have likely suffered greatly over the course of their lives, sometimes silently.
As I stated at the start, empathy is not really something you can teach. You can simply provide examples as I have done here and challenge people to think more deeply about their own interactions with others. It might help to start small, perhaps sticking peers or others you identify closely with. When you speak with these people and they describe their problems to you, try to imagine how you might handle yourself in a similar situation. From there, branch out from your own lived experiences to consider how the situation could be further complicated and thus not so simple to resolve.
As an example, I spent a lot of my career writing code as a programmer. A peer might be struggling with understanding a system I’ve worked in before and come to me for help. It would be very easy to say, “Oh this is easy, just do X”, because I’ve been there before and I now know X is the answer. Branching out from my own lived experiences, though, I know that one time I tried doing Y and failed miserably, bringing down a production site. That is ultimately what led me to knowing about X.
So instead I might say, “What have you tried so far? I see you are starting to do Y, but that might not be a good idea because Y will fail under these conditions.” This is another example of empathy, knowing that this person might simply be following steps I had taken prior. Rather than trivialize their journey, I’d much rather understand their current thought process and provide real world context as to why their previous idea would not work. All of this while still not giving away the answer right away, so that the person might still have the glory of solving the problem on their own.
There are an infinite number of conversations and interactions we have day to day with our friends, families, peers, and even strangers. Leading with empathy is generally a thing I strive for, but I did want to discuss one final aspect of it before I let you go. That is the fact that empathy can be a double-edged sword.
Those who show a great capacity for empathy tend to carry a lot of burdens with them. Leading with empathy, as noted in the examples above, opens the door to further discovery about a person and their current or past struggles. Some people tend to not share much about themselves, but others are desperate for any ear who will listen. This knowledge often comes at a great mental price for the one who is willing to hear them out and help carry on those burdens and stressors. This is the basis for many strong friendships and relationships, but taking it to the extreme and offering it to everyone you meet can easily lead to you yourself becoming a ball of stress.
I guess what I am trying to say is, be mindful of your own mental health and stress levels. Leading with empathy is much more accessible when you yourself have a strong support network of friends or family who can empathize with you. Conversely, you might re-assess your own relationships if you find yourself giving up a lot of mental space for someone who gives you very little of theirs. Put another way, be sure to prioritize those who prioritize you. When the dust settles, they are the ones most likely to be around to help you when you need it the most.
That wraps up this topic for now. Just know that empathy is a skill that is difficult to train, especially given how different some peoples journeys in life are. We have all made mistakes, said things which hurt others, and even lost people we cared about due to our words and actions. Growing as a person is recognizing these events not as some tragedy unique to you but rather opportunities for you to learn from and improve on. Reading this entire article might not change anything for you immediately, but if it at least makes you think twice before saying something you might regret, then you have already made great strides forward.
Let’s try and make the world a better place one conversation at a time.
This is a topic I care a lot about. If you have any feedback or lived experiences of your own to share, I’d love to hear them. Thanks as always to anyone who finds this and gives it a read. I really do appreciate it.
Ben Schwenke 